Safe
by Fluffler
Summary: A one-shot post season 6 finale Calzona fic. It had been the kind of day that makes you re-evaluate everything. What's important; what can wait. What's worth fighting for, what's best left alone. What you can live with... what you can't live without.


**_Safe: A one-shot post season 6 finale fic._**

**_Rating: NC-17, or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days._**

_Ok so… I'm new to Grey's Anatomy fanfiction, but not to writing in general – I used to write Carter/Abby stuff way back during ER's glory days!_

_I've come out of retirement due to my complete love, bordering on obsession, for Grey's Anatomy – along with an apparent itch to write again which desperately needed scratching. It's not something I'll be doing again for a while however; I expected writing this to take a couple of evenings, but being the perfectionist I am it's taken the better part of a month! _

_As an avid MerDer fan, it came as a bit of a surprise to me that the voices in my head following THAT epic season ender didn't belong to either of those two… but to Calzona._

_I've read a few post-finale fics – this is my take on what happened afterwards. I battled with the idea of sending Callie and Arizona off to Fiji for some much needed R&R… alas, I'm a simple girl at heart and I decided to concentrate less on the venue, and more on the interaction. I'm hoping we get to start Season 7 with the immediate aftermath of the shootings, but I won't bank on it!_

_Read… enjoy… reviews are much appreciated._

**Callie**

Finally released, I head for home. The skies have turned a deeper shade of blue, a night mist settling on the roof of the hospital.

I look over my shoulder, drinking in the sight of a darkened Seattle Grace – barely a light to be seen, officially shut down in preparation for the crime investigations that will undoubtedly begin at dawn.

An empty hospital is not something I've ever seen before. It's certainly something I hope I never see again.

One by one, patients were transferred and staff were sent home. Police men and women returned to their families, recounting a day that will remain in our memories for years to come. A day of horrific proportions; a day beyond all expectations.

The kind of day that makes you re-evaluate everything. What's important; what can wait. What's worth fighting for, what's best left alone.

What you can live with... what you can't live without.

Thoughts spinning through my mind, I cross the street. I know Cristina won't be home tonight; she'll be with Meredith. For once, I find myself wishing her into the apartment. Sitting alone and re-living the trauma of previous hours is not something I'm looking forward too, and I can already sense that any attempt at sleep will be futile.

Searching in my pocket for keys, I pull out my Blackberry. I hesitate briefly, move the cursor through the phonebook, then stop.

If she wanted to talk to me, she would have stayed.

Caught up in the aftermath, we'd lost each other. There were parents to be found, paperwork to be completed, and witness accounts to be documented. Chaos does not come close to what I experienced today.

To what we all experienced today.

I was the last to leave tonight. Through a mixture of fear, guilt and shock, I was somehow reluctant to depart.

Either that, or I was waiting in hope.

Slowly, I let myself into the building and trudge up the stairs. There seem to be more of them tonight; I barely have the energy to climb.

I wish she'd stayed.

Finally reaching my floor, I veer left. Fumbling with my keys, I silently curse myself for keeping so many on one chain. Looking towards my apartment, my heart stops.

Sat against the door, knees to chest… she's here.

For a moment, we lock eyes. I can feel my hands begin to shake, my inner being filled with uncertainty.

She's here.

I watch her rise; never taking her eyes off mine. For a moment, we stand facing one another – a silent dare to determine who will move.

She speaks first, hesitant and soft.

"I… I looked for you. I couldn't find you, everything was so… crazy. I started for home, and turned back halfway there. It wasn't where I wanted to be."

She moves closer, putting mere inches between us.

"I've been sat here for a while. Just… thinking. I hope you don't mind."

I back off slightly. I have to; any closer and I know exactly what will happen. Much as I want it, much as I want her, there's ground to be covered before I can do that again.

When we do that again, I have to know it's forever.

Taking my eyes off her for a moment, I slide the key into the door and twist the lock. Pushing the door open, I step inside and turn around, finally finding my voice.

"Are you coming in?"

**Arizona**

I hesitate. I don't mean to; it's not that I don't want to enter. I've wanted to come back ever since I left a couple of weeks ago – belongings in hand, head in disarray.

Heart in pieces.

She watches me for a while, loitering at the door. Slowly, she turns away, dumping her bag on the counter before walking across the apartment and into her bedroom.

Our bedroom.

In an instant, I feel my legs ignite as I step inside, closing the door behind me. Unsure of myself, I perch on the edge of the couch, nervously taking in my surroundings. I've been here a hundred times before, and yet it's not the same.

Something, everything, has changed.

"Aren't you going to take off your coat? It's hot in here."

In my surveying, I hadn't noticed her reappearance. I shrug off my jacket, placing it to one side as she joins me on the couch with two glasses of Rioja.

I take one gladly; this day has warranted a full vineyard.

"People died today."

I repeat her words, mulling them over as I speak. As awkward as things are between us, as hard as things may be in the future… the fact that we're both still here is nothing short of a miracle.

"Did you hear about Derek? He regained consciousness a couple of hours ago."

She nods, smiling. We lost two of our team today – to lose another, let alone a friend, would have been devastating.

I grab a coaster and hold it in front of me, playing with the bound edge. I spent hours earlier against the door. Sitting, thinking… planning what to say.

Now that I'm here, now that she's here, I can't remember a word of it.

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice her moving towards me. She takes my hand, stroking it with her own.

"Arizona…"

I interject.

"I meant what I said, you know."

I can't read her expression in reaction to this. Uncertainty, confusion… relief. Relaxing slightly into the back cushions, she continues to caress my skin.

I wish she wouldn't. If I have to walk away tonight and be without her, her touch is the one thing I'll crave.

"We don't have to talk about it now… as long as it's an option."

I flinch. I've been dreading this.

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Maybe I didn't mean it. Maybe if I ignored it, it would have disappeared.

Or maybe, just maybe, it's worth facing. Because with us, it's all or nothing. And I'll risk having nothing, for a chance at having it all.

Taking a deep breath, I speak.

"That's not what I'm talking about."

She pulls away from me, confused.

"I meant what I said. I can't trust you."

**Callie**

I wait for anger to take hold.

It doesn't come.

I'm confused; I feel disappointment and dread where I expected to feel rage. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her hands tremble. She's scared, and I realize how difficult this is for her to admit.

I feel like apologizing.

I feel like telling her there's no reason to worry.

I feel like taking her in my arms and holding her until it all disappears.

But in my heart, I know doing that would be temporary. She deserves an explanation; she deserves a reason to believe.

"You said it first."

The words tumble out of my mouth before I can stop them. I turn my head slightly, embarrassed to feel the burn in my cheeks.

She reaches out once more, placing her hand on my arm.

"What?"

She's puzzled. I turn and face her, my eyes immediately finding hers in a search for some kind of comfort. A sign, any indication that what I'm about to say will be enough.

"You told me you loved me."

I bite my bottom lip, unsure whether to continue. She moves down my arm and laces her fingers through mine.

"I'm listening."

I exhale loudly. This isn't something I wanted to discuss. I've told myself time and time again that it's not a big deal; somehow I can't seem to shake the shame.

I become aware of a lump in my throat that's the size of a golf ball. We sit in silence, staring into our laps.

Why am I finding this so hard?

There was a time when talking about feelings was second nature. I continually wore my heart on my sleeve, open to both loving and losing in equal measure. Giving without taking, devotion without reciprocation.

There's no doubt I've been hurt before; there's no doubt I've been upset.

Her earlier recounting of my past partners read like disaster management.

Be that as it may, however, I've always recovered. I've been down, but never out. I've been sad, but never distraught.

My heart's been shattered… but never broken.

She changed that.

She changed everything.

"There's no comparison."

I sense her gaze lift as my words hang in the air. I feel her looking straight at me. I can't reciprocate; I'll lose my nerve.

"You're different because you took a chance on me, and not the other way around. You're different because sometimes, you take the lead and let me trust that it's ok to follow. You're different because when I'm wrong, you call me on it even if it means an argument – because you care enough to do that."

On the last word, my voice catches. I struggle to continue; determined to finish.

"You make me feel like I'm not the only one fighting, like I'm not the only one trying. Like I'm not the only one loving. A few weeks ago I was part of something that everyone else was wanting, struggling, to have. I believed I was good at this, that I was worthy of being so happy. That I was moving forwards. And it was all because of you."

I'm not aware of the tears on my cheeks until she reaches up and wipes them away. I lean into her touch, closing my eyes as I feel her warmth on my face.

"I'm not in love with being in love. I'm in love with you; everything about you. I want to be with you for a million different reasons, some of which I don't think I'm even aware of. But more than anything, I feel equal. I feel respected; I feel protected. I feel like I want to spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way, because being without you…"

Try as I might, I can't bring myself to continue.

My composure is dwindling; I fight to finish.

"I will put you, and us, above everything."

She waits a beat, and I start to worry. Have I not said enough?

Have I said too much?

Her hand still lingering on my cheek, she pulls me close. Our noses touch, my eyes instinctively close.

She drapes her arms around my neck. I feel her planting butterfly-soft kisses on my cheeks, rubbing her nose against mine before running her bottom lip against my own.

Instinctively, I kiss her. She reciprocates; reservedly at first, before drawing herself right up against me. Her hands are in my hair – pulling, tugging and twisting strands as the atmosphere around us electrifies.

My head's spinning.

I feel myself torn between what I want to do, and what I should do.

Slowly, I break away.

She looks confused.

My gaze averts once more. In my mind, I berate myself for stopping.

In my heart, I know it was the right thing to do.

"What's wrong?"

I find myself taking a deep breath for the umpteenth time today.

"There's no comparison."

I swallow. My throat feels dry and sore.

"There's no comparison, which means I have everything to lose."

My eyes flick vertically, landing on her own. For the first time tonight, I notice a glaze.

"You say you want children. I don't understand how you can change your mind so quickly, so completely."

She moves away, destroying all contact between us.

"I don't believe you."

**Arizona**

I wouldn't believe me, either.

After everything we've been through these past few weeks; the arguments, the tears, the sadness. After all that… I've gone and changed my mind.

I know I meant it.

I knew as soon as I'd said it. It's in my heart. It wasn't before, there's no denying that.

But it is now.

Yet that doesn't take away the confusion. It doesn't take away the uncertainty, and it definitely doesn't take away the fact that for years, having children of my own was not even a consideration.

"You said you'd choose vacations over a family."

I can't look at her.

I'm not ready to answer the questions that I know are to follow.

"You said you didn't want your life to change, that you were happy staying as we were."

I flinch.

"You said you didn't want the burden, the anxiety, the responsibility…"

"… I know what I said."

I interject, unable to listen to any more accounts of the recent past. A past which has haunted me every second of these past few weeks.

I can feel her eyes burning into me, her stare electrifying my soul.

We sit in silence for what seems like eternity. I know she's waiting for me to speak.

I just don't know what to say.

"Did you mean it?"

Her voice is startling.

"When you said all those things, did you mean them?"

I feel a burn in my cheeks. My head drops.

"Yes."

My answer is a whisper

"Then what's changed?"

We sit still; frozen in anticipation. Anticipation which I don't think I can satisfy.

"I don't know."

Immediately, her head rolls back in exasperation. I mirror this, cupping my face with my hands.

The silence resumes.

She sighs and stands abruptly. I'm aware of her shadow over me, and I find myself filling with dread.

"That's not enough."

I bite my lip.

"It's just… it's just not enough."

Her voice breaking, she turns and leaves the room, entering her bedroom and shutting the door quietly behind her.

I find myself wishing she'd slammed it; something which I question until a realization hits me.

She's giving up.

I hear the shower gushing in the distance.

For a minute, I consider leaving. I didn't come here for an argument.

But I also didn't come here with any answers.

Exasperated, I collapse sideward. My head hits the cushions, my eyes instinctively close. I shuffle around until I'm facing the ceiling, the roof pattern marbling together through my tears.

I force myself to dig deeper.

Something's changed, I know that much.

What I don't know is why.

It is because she was so good with Ruby today?

Is it because I want to stay with her?

Is it because having children is what people will expect me, and us, to do?

I moan in frustration, as I realize that all these reasons are true.

True, yet by no means reasons to base such a life-changing decision on.

If we can come out of this together, if we can survive this… I'll never need to question our solidity again.

We could do anything.

We would deserve everything.

I bolt upright, shot by lightening.

Children, by all accounts, are life's biggest sacrifice. Having a baby is risky, dangerous, and completely overwhelming.

I still want that sangria.

I still want her in that bikini.

But… what if we could have both?

What if there was never a choice to be made?

What if, out of the millions of couples who try and achieve that balance, we're the ones who succeed?

I believe in us, I always have done.

Maybe now is the time to exercise that. Now more than ever.

I'm startled as the door separating us releases. I wasn't aware of the shower stopping.

She crosses the room without glancing in my direction, wrapped in a towel. Her hair is dishevelled from water, and she's tracing a dripping trail over the kitchen tiles. Reaching into the fridge, she pours another glass of wine.

I take a deep breath.

"Listen…

"… No. I've heard enough."

Crossing back, she disappears once more.

A fire ignites inside me.

This time, I follow.

**Callie**

I sit on the bed, glass in hand. The wine burns my throat, warming my insides.

Without notice, she appears in the doorway, I watch her hesitate, before crossing the boundary and perching opposite me at the dressing table.

"Children are tiring. Children are intense, dependant, and consuming."

I knew she didn't mean it.

"Having children is something I've thought about, and always passed upon. But perhaps all I've ever seen is the negative side."

Our eyes meet across the room, her willingness to compromise becoming clear.

"The bad stuff is easier to believe. The bad stuff is always easier to believe."

It's taking all my strength to let her talk. To not interrupt, to not counter her argument.

"Maybe to experience the good, you have to actually do it. Maybe taking that risk is worth it, when it's your own. Maybe we're the ones…"

She rises, taking a few steps in my direction before falling on her knees between my legs.

"Maybe we're the ones who could strike a balance. Maybe we're the ones who could get it right."

Unable to resist her skin, I cup her face with my hands. A single tear floats down her cheek, melting on my thumb as I brush it away.

"Don't think I don't know it's a risk."

She nods at my words, seemingly relieved at my honesty. I'm not naïve; I'm aware of the perils.

"I didn't want an immediate plan. I didn't want a timescale, I didn't want a number."

She smiles at this as I reflect upon her words from this afternoon.

"I just needed to know it wasn't never."

She reaches up, running her fingers through my hair. She pulls in close, our noses touching.

"It's not never."

I wait a beat, digesting her words.

Is this real?

Are we really going to be… us, again?

I feel her lips graze against mine.

My heart pounds. I feel dizzy, my legs are shaking. Our tears mingle together; a pool of release as the full force of what this means, returns.

"Stay."

There's no way I can continue if losing her is still an option.

This thing between us; it's overwhelming. She's it.

I've never been more convinced of anything in my whole life.

She's it.

"If I stay, I'll never leave."

Her whisper is music to my ears; yet there's uncertainty in her tone.

She needn't worry, I know what she's asking. We're both well aware of what's at stake here.

She's completely, undeniably… it.

"Stay. Forever."

She exhales loudly, her forehead resting against mine. Her eyes are closed, her breathing is jagged. She traces her nose across my cheek, round to me ear. Nibbling on my lobe, she sends shivers down my spine as she responds to my offer.

"Done."

She circles back and kisses me, my lips tingling at her contact. It's all I can do to reciprocate, my mind completely blown by the evening's events.

I play with the hem of her sweater, reluctant to move any further.

I never thought I'd get to do this again.

Now that I know what it's like to be without it, I'm terrified.

Sensing my insecurity, she covers my fingers with her own.

"It's OK."

Mere seconds later, her skin is on mine. I rise, pulling her into a standing embrace.

We cling to each other, desperate to regain the closeness we once shared.

I still can't believe she's here.

Enveloping me with her passion.

Surrounding me with her grace.

Her hands rise; stroking my thighs, hips, and up my spine.

In one fell swoop, the towel falls – taking my defences, my uncertainties and my heartbreak with it.

**Arizona**

She's stunning.

Now, and always.

She grasps at the edging of my jeans, seemingly frustrated at the clasp.

I take over.

We've been together before. I've lost count of the showers, sofas and on-call rooms we've brightened with our presence.

But this is different.

This feels… irrevocable.

Suddenly shy, I look to her for guidance. She reaches out, leading me sideways and eventually under the covers.

Continuing to control, she places herself between my thighs, leaning into me with a kiss.

I can't help but smile as I wonder how long this will last; we both know she's not usually a top.

On cue, she rolls over. I expect to be pulled full circle… an imitation of the games from our former days.

This doesn't happen.

I'm briefly confused, until I realize what she has in mind.

I turn and face her, leaning into her sideways embrace.

Compromise is clearly on the cards today.

I trail soft kisses all over her skin; shoulder to shoulder, chin to stomach. She quivers under my touch, grazing my back with her nails.

I return to her lips, running my tongue along hers in anticipation.

Minutes go by as we remember what it feels like to touch each other.

To taste each other.

To be close to each other.

Our hands slowly descend as we stroke each other's thighs, our lips continually linked together.

Unable to resist, I move slowly towards her centre, covering every inch of skin with my fingers.

Repeatedly, purposefully, softly.

She reciprocates, sending a current through my body with every touch.

Our lips finally separate. I rub my nose against hers once more, clutching at her hair with my hand.

"Look at me."

Her eyes flick open; pools of chocolate brown warmth that make me feel alive.

Our pace quickens. I feel a wave drawing closer and closer; finally consuming me as I let out a moan and bury my head in her chest.

I continue our rhythm until I know the release is mutual. Breathing deeply, she pulls me into her embrace as we recover.

After a few minutes, I pull away slightly. Cupping her face, I kiss her.

"I love you."

Smiling at my words, she motions for me to turn around. I oblige.

Her legs fit perfectly behind my own, her arms reaching around to mine as I curl into her embrace.

"I love you, too."

For the first time today, for the first time in months…

We're safe.


End file.
